I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. How? Alma 26:15

I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. How? Alma 26:15

My favorite missionary in the scriptures is Ammon. He goes to teach the Lamanites and has enormous success. He talks about the work like this (paraphrased):

My brothers and sisters were suffering, but the Lord has brought them his everlasting light. They are circled by his unending, matchless love - a love that is generous and perfect. And we, the missionaries, have been instruments in the hands of the Lord to make this thing happen.

Of course, the next question is, "How can I be an instrument in the hands of the Lord?" It's a good question, but very personal.

I think that as I've gotten older, I tend to grow in my dislike towards assuming that I know what God wants. The world is weird and so many things are "messed up." The only way for me to make sense of it is to quit thinking that I know what God wants. I don't.

He's given commandments - which are general, and callings - which are personal. Some of my callings are from my church leaders, others are... a lot more difficult to pinpoint. I feel really drawn towards my Czech ancestors, as if it were a calling. I am confident that it is good for me to spend my time and effort in studying all things related to my Czech ancestors. Nobody specifically pulled me aside and told me that was my calling, but it doesn't really matter; I feel called.

I feel like as long as we are working towards keeping the commandments - both the broad ones and the more personal ones, like our personal and church callings - that is the best way to be an instrument in his hands. I think that if you try to be an instrument in his hands, you're actually more likely to fail. It's like putting your eye on the wrong mark. Instead of focusing on the things that God has already given you, you're focusing on what you think of and how you interpret God's plan. There's too much variability in that.

But there isn't variability in striving to keep the commandments. It's like... focusing on the commandments allows for some degree of flexibility. The commandments can change as our situations change. Some very basic human commandments (don't steal! don't lie! don't commit adultery!) aren't likely to change. But my identity, my role, my piece in God's plan, well, it has flexibility because I am a changing, evolving, growing human being.

In order to be an instrument in God's hands, I need to try my best to keep the commandments. That means following my church leaders, trying to fulfill my callings, and continually seeking inspiration and direction from God about what my callings even are.

Grouchy about sexism

Sexism.

A perineally interesting topic.

Deeply personal.

Utterly and exasperatingly unresolvable.

Someday when the heavens open and we can see truth as it really is, we will have a very different view of the world, the actions that mattered and the measure of true influence. Because it's not even enough to try to measure "a woman's lot" in her ability to raise the subsequent generation of world leaders. Isn't that still saying only those flashy, splashy people who made headlines are the ultimate measure of "mattering"?

We can try to measure influence in these modern times with likes, views, and comments, but it boils down to the same inherent conflict I've written about before: art vs. advertising.

It just sucks that I am on the end of lesser privilege in this particular battle. It frustrates me to not be acknowledged for the very real differences in my soul. It is really dehumanizing to feel surrounded by a male perspective, a traditional male point of view of "self", masculine values, and no real consideration of my own internal reality. Whether through the eyes of classic literature or a modern video game, it boils down to the same thing: this doesn't represent me. I am not validated.

I believe I'm worth validating because I am human.

I'm not a man-hater. In fact, I find men much more comfortable to be around. They make more sense. They are interesting. They are much easier for me to read.

Women are confusing, frustrating, and often far more boring (to me). I struggle with female relationships. But I guess I just struggle with *all* relationships.

This is not even worth the time to straighten out. The ideas are impossible for me to resolve. I think the best I can do is just hope that God will resolve them someday.

Why did afflictions matter? I get sincerity... Alma 37:36

Why did afflictions matter? I get sincerity... Alma 37:36

Hey! This is the first time I've written on this blog in a long, long time! I decided that it's time for me to finally finish this thing I've been writing. I would like to compile it into some kind of book thingy eventually. It's been at least 6 months, but perhaps longer, since I've written. A lot has happened.

For a long time I had the wrong reference written here. It used to point to Alma 37:11, and that made no sense. It wasn't until I reread the chapter that I saw the verse I actually meant to point at.

This is what the verse says (paraphrased):

Remember, my child, to learn wisdom when you are young. Learn when you are young to keep the commandments of God.

Not only learn to keep the commandments, but learn how to pray. In fact, cry your heart and soul to God, turn to him for all your needs and wants. Wherever you go, make sure you go there for God. And not only that - but also let all of your thoughts be directed to God. And even beyond that, let the affections of your heart be given to God always.

Counsel with the Lord in everything you do, and he will direct you in the best path that you should go. Not only that, but also when you lie down at night, make sure you lie down to God, that he can watch over you in your sleep. When you rise up in the morning let your heart be full of thanks to God. If you do these things, you will be lifted up in the end.

I'm playing this medieval RPG game these days. Everybody all the time says things like, "Praise be to Jesus Christ," and, "God be with you." You know, casual greetings. They took this kind of counsel quite literally in the 1400's.

Needless to say, today... not so much.

I've read the Book of Mormon several times.

Tangent:

Here's my scripture read-through count:

Old Testament (in total): 1x
New Testament: 2x
D&C and Pearl of Great Price: 1x
Book of Mormon: 7x
(once as a 14 year old, that time when I finished it on the beach, once in seminary, once with Danny, once when the prophet asked us to read it, once in Czech, and now)

/tangent

I guess on the last read through I misread this verse. I thought it was talking about afflictions, but really it was talking about affections.

But you know what - affect, like affection, is also all about feeling. Afflictions tend to involve strong emotions going in the opposite direction. I know that I originally misread this, but the truth is that in order to actually be afflicted by something, the first step is, well, caring about it. Hard to torment and torture the apathetic.

I guess it's hard for me to relate to apathy in general. It's quite a foreign sentiment to me.

The exact words of the verse are, "let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever." To me this sounds as though the Lord were some kind of altar. You can approach him with your feelings and metaphorically "place" them on him. When nobody else knows (or cares) about what you've been through, the Lord - meaning, Jesus Christ - does. He must, because he took upon himself both the sins and the pains of all humanity everywhere. He's the reason that it is possible to have hope.

This verse points towards sincere, honest, true, diligent trust in God involves both believing that he is who he is supposed to be, and that the inner effort to turn to him matters enough for the effort to be worth the investment.

I believe these things with all my heart. I'm not always the best at laying my feelings on an invisible inner altar, but I consistently try to do so, and I think the intention of our heart is what's at stake anyway.