It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted anything here. It feels like a lifetime, to be honest. That's because this whole time I've been focused on completing my MA.
I'm very close to the end and feeling...
To be honest...
Feeling...
Unhappy.
No, not unhappy. That's like saying I'm disappointed in myself. Or the system. Or a person.
I'm not unhappy. I'm angry. My feelings are not passively sad. I'm pissed.
The other layer of it is sadness. I'm sad. This is not the same as unhappy. I'm not passively lacking happiness, I'm actively upset.
It's not even directed at a person, an institution, or a system. At least not entirely. It's...
It's definitely not directed at myself.
Maybe it's directed to corpus linguistics in general? I'm not sure.
The closest thing this feels to is when I was madly in love with a guy who was apathetic about me. I found out later that this wasn't quite true in his mind, but it was very true in his actions. It was a terrible combination. The more he ignored me, the harder I tried to get him to pay attention to me. It involved massive amounts of time, driving, conversations, texting. It was like I was a pathetic dog constantly begging for whatever table scraps would be discarded.
He was unkind. I was neglected. It was painful for way too long, until I put an end to it.
My MA was similarly unkind. I'm not sure if that makes sense. *I* have been neglected for a while now. This is so stupid to say when it's been everyone in my family busting their butts to support me to finish this degree.
I'm very tired. More later.