The Best People are the "Quiet" People

Once when I was in college I went on a date with a guy who was really fun, friendly, nice, interested, interesting, good looking, smart, successful - and also an ENFP.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...MBTI has major limitations and is kinda horoscopey. I know, I know. But it is one fast and easy way to categorize people that is not completely useless, so I still kinda like it (and all other systems for analyzing people around me, to be honest) and probably always will: "They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships."Anyone who ever wanted to know me better would only have to read this precise description which has been floating around the interwebs for a long, loong time, because it fits me perfectly and has for decades.

So the date with this fellow ENFP was a total failure, and that was a weird surprise to me, since were supposedly really compatible. I mean, we had similar interests, values, and our friend groups intersected. I think we were in a linguistics or Arabic class together? Or maybe it was an Old Testament class?

During the date, we went to his apartment to drop something off before going out - probably to a movie or something else completely non-memorable. What I remember is sitting at the counter in his apartment and listening to him talk on and on and on and it was so...well, frustrating. I mean, he had interesting things to say - I distinctly remember him talking about Brazilian Jiu-jitsu as it related to his mission in Brazil, which was interesting enough - I mean, martial arts are pretty cool! - but...

But...

But he wouldn't shut up. I wanted to talk.

***

Fast forward a couple years to when I had three kids in diapers at the same time (!) in Houston. A blonde woman moved into the ward with her family. She was bubbly, talkative, gorgeous, and I immediately knew she was also an ENFP (this was confirmed later in a conversation with her). It was yet again like looking in a mirror. Myself reflected. But only...she was much more beautiful, funny, and socially adept, or so it seemed. I was struggling to survive under a mountain of laundry. I felt huge amounts of jealousy.

Until I befriended her.

Then we were great friends! She was fun to talk to, she had great stories and shared them freely. She was very kind - we hung out in play group and at other random church activities. She babysat my kids a couple times. I remember standing outside her house and just talking for a long time in her doorway, because we had a lot of things to say.

I never felt particularly close to her, but that was probably partially a function of time more than anything.

All this to say, I am friends with other ENFPs - or other personality types that are also extroverts. I don't really base my friendships off of MBTI in any way.

But yet, somehow, my closest friends seem to be the so-called "quiet" people. I want to explore why that might be in this blog post.

***

Back to that date with that fellow ENFP (by the way, we are still friends on facebook - I definitely do not carry bad feelings for him personally. In fact, if our paths ever did cross again, I would probably really enjoy catching up. It wasn't him - it was "us" that was problematic):

The ENFP needs to be given positive assurance and affirmation. 

I didn't really want to have to give it constantly!

More than one ENFP has been known to "go fishing" for compliments. 

I could totally perceive him doing this, and it was so irritating! "Hey, buddy, that's my line!"

They like to hear from their significant others that they are loved and valued, and are willing and eager to return the favor. 

But that wasn't a possibility without being able to get a word in edge-wise.

They enjoy lavishing love and affection on their mates, and are creative and energetic in their efforts to please. 

But it was just exhausting listening to him and trying to stay one step ahead in the conversation. I could never hope to please him, I had to be the quiet observer, the one who was pleased. It was a terrible role for me.

The ENFP gets a lot of their personal satisfaction from observing the happiness of others, and so is generally determined to please and serve their partners.

How to please and serve someone who is bending over backwards to try to please and serve you? It didn't work well at all.

A problem area for ENFPs in relationships is their dislike of conflict and sensitivity to criticism. 

There was no possibility for interesting discussion because we were just walking on eggshells and laughing everything off whenever anything approached a conflict. I think I may have even mentioned how we were both very definitely ENFPs during this date, and both of our reaction was just to laugh at that, though on the inside I was rolling my eyes.

They are perfectionists who believe that any form of criticism is a stab at their character, which is very difficult for them to take. Conflict situations are sources of extreme stress to the ENFP. They have a tendency to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also prone to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. 

Yeah. The best solution in this situation was to run away. Or rather, avoid going on dates with this guy again.

I would be so unhappy married to someone exactly like me.

***

This sums up nicely the kind of relationships that I am drawn to:

For close friendships, ENFPs are especially drawn to other iNtuitive Feeling types, and to other Extraverts who are also enthusiastic about life. Like the other iNtuitive Feeling types, the ENFP needs authenticity and depth in their close relationships. They're likely to have friends from all walks of life who they feel close to and care about, but will have only a few very close friends with similar ideals to their own. The ENFP also tends to value the company of iNtuitive Thinkers.

Introverts, extroverts - intuitive, thinking - all these dumb labels aside, it seems like one of the main qualities that my closest, dearest friends all have in common is this: they are considered to be "quiet" by many other people.

I put quiet in quotes because it's my experience that these people, if provoked correctly, will not be capable of shutting up, and isn't that the exact opposite of "quiet"?

There are legitimately quiet people, to be sure. I'm not really talking about that. Really - those "quiet" people? Not so quiet, once you get them talking. Being introverted isn't about being quiet, it's about where you get your energy: from time spent alone rather than time spent with others.

My husband is considered by my parents and siblings as a "quiet" person, but we talk for hours and hours. It isn't just because he's "quiet"; nobody likes talking to a wall, after all. He is an active listener. He shares his ideas, which I love to hear. And sometimes he needs some time to just be alone. 

There's probably some sort of game aspect involved in this. Coax-the-idea-out-of-the-mind-cave (Danny: "What, I don't get a mind palace?!") or something like that. Honestly, it's something I do without even thinking about it. On Sunday, I stopped in the hall and had a 10 minute conversation with a man in my ward who I only vaguely know. I had heard that he had changed jobs (he's a computer programmer). I asked him about it, and he did all the talking. This was really surprising to my family, since they had never heard him voluntarily say anything. 

"Quiet" people, especially those that share interests with me, quite often have secret hidden treasures of thoughts inside of them which I really love to discover. I love to hear their thoughts. They are usually better crafted than those of us loud people, since they don't seem to need oral articulation in order to process their thoughts.

***

In the workplace, ENFPs are pleasant and friendly, and interact in a positive and creative manner with both their co-workers and the public. ENFPs are also a major asset in brainstorming sessions; follow-through on projects can be a problem, however. ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks. ENFPs are most productive when working in a group with a few Js to handle the details and the deadlines.

All of my closest friends have turned out to be very confident introverted J's - these "quiet" types. I think it's because they very often are the only ones with the patience to hear out my crazy ideas. I think I'm attracted to "quiet" people because of a few reasons: 

1. Pure curiosity: what is going on in their head?

2. I have space to talk.

3. I think we generally have complimentary emotional needs: I really need attention, people with whom to share interests, projects, and ideas - people who like to be around me. In turn, without an extrovert jumping in and toppling over their lives, these "quiet" people would probably not have much opportunity to make close interpersonal connections, which is a basic human need.

4. It's fun to talk with other loud people, too, but I think the "quiet" people are usually better observers and listeners, which makes their insights much more interesting. 

There are probably more reasons why "quiet" people have turned out to be the best people for me to surround myself with, but my tiny bit of discretionary time is up.