I have two forces inside myself at war with very strong opinions that seem to completely contradict one another, yelling at me about how the world "should" be. It has been over a decade and I still don't have any exact answers about how to resolve these forces. So I have found a kind of meagre resolution in just accepting that is ok for the time being that I don't have acceptable answers, and trying to find happiness in it anyway.
I strongly believe that I should be the best wife and mother that I can be, that this is my most important role and contribution to this world, and that as such I should be present and work diligently with all my might in the real, physical world. This force probably has something to do with both evolutionary biology and being raised in a conservative religious culture that places great importance on family. Also, I probably innately value and idealize this role.
I also strongly believe that my ideas, intelligence, and contributions to the world can matter enough to make a big positive impact for good in the minds, hearts, and actual lives of people outside my family. This force strongly values my individuality. It probably comes from being raised in a family culture which highly values education and learning. It probably is also just an innate piece of me.
Do not tell me that my work in the home matters. Do you think I don't believe that? Do you honestly think I haven't thought about it in exquisite, frustrating detail? While you're sitting at a desk getting paid and praised by your colleagues - or even critiqued or yelled at by them - I have spent the very vast majority of the last ten years, "alone but not alone", with very little validation of any of my first goal's efforts.
My husband, you ask? Doesn't he validate me? Are we talking about the endless, mindless battle against entropy here? The thing about dishes, laundry, and organ playing on Sunday is that people only notice them when they are broken. So, you're a programmer who creates tools that only gets recognition when there are bugs or when they break, you counter? There are millions of ways to creatively optimize problems on a computer. There are limited ways to creatively optimize problems with housework, and all of them involve a lot of physical drudgery and immersion in the real, moist world of caring for small children. Lift this. Fold that. Wipe this. Clean that. You think *your* life is a daily grind, try living mine. You really haven't got a clue. You achieve progress with your next version. You receive feedback of many, many kinds. You have some measure of control over your efforts. I am constantly at war with entropy, and somehow no amount of my sweetheart's, "oh, you folded the laundry! Thank you!" is fulfilling to my individual intelligence and self-worth, the second goal, anyway.
Some days I just want to scream about the unfairness of it.
And I'm not talking about "gender roles," I'm talking about conditions of mortality that make it so that I must make continuous, massive sacrifices in order to fulfill both of these purposes - including goal number one, my greatest dream, my highest personal value of bringing children into this world and raising them into good adults. I know I wouldn't be happy as a man. I wouldn't be happy as the primary breadwinner, either. I think this housewife role is where I can be happiest. But it definitely still sucks sometimes. It isn't "the way it should be" - but then, I don't know what that really would look like. I have to just accept and believe that it's better for me to pass through this sorrow for some reason having to do with my eternal progression and that the pain of living will one day be resolved.
My nine year old summed it up nicely. "Your job is great because everything you do is for our family." I totally cringed when she said this. Fortunately I was making dinner and so my back was to her, and my husband sensed what was wrong and sent her away on an errand.
"She just succinctly explained the entire problem. I don't *want* everything I do to be for our family. I want to do other great things."
"That makes you a wonderful person, Kate." He proceeded to give me a quote by Joseph Smith about how people should not be content to bless only the lives of their family but to be anxious to make a difference in the world as well, or something like that.
Around 2012 my goals started to shift. I couldn't figure out the internal "mommy wars" thing so I just set it aside completely and started to pursue genealogy research more intensely. There's a fulfilling project if ever there was one. And it is an odd synthesis of both of the two goals I have: be a force for good in my family and be a force for good on my own.
I have been so much happier setting aside my preoccupation with resolving my Weltschmerz and just DOING what I can to fulfill both of my bigger goals. It's easy to get lost in doing.
For me, "doing" seems to look quite different than it does for most of my peers. Example: the only path towards really being the genealogist that I want to be is to learn Czech. I find enormous amounts of joy in studying Czech. But it is sad to me that it's not something I can share with others around me in the real world.
You know what, though? There's a place for me. I don't have to "shallow" my way anywhere. I am okay being this person who I am; nobody ever said we should ignore the Weltschmerz or pretend it isn't real. It's ok that a lot of things around me are unsatisfactory and that sometimes causes me to retreat into my internal world. Still, I choose to live happily in my real world here in Ankeny in my warm, cluttered house with a basketball team's worth of children constantly playing "hot cross buns" on the recorder, slamming all the doors and cabinets, and running around outside in 37 degree weather without shoes (!!), and always yelling/complaining/whining at me. One day they're going to grow up and we'll be able to have the intelligent conversations I so crave. Also, Danny assures me that the day for my advanced degree will come, and probably fairly soon. Perhaps even in the next year or two.
There isn't an easy solution to solving my personal Weltschmerz, but perhaps there's a simple one: believe that it's going to be okay. Love the people around me and myself. Focus on doing what I can to be a force for good within all my spheres of influence. The validation piece is still pretty lacking, but I guess since it might be that way for the other moms in my life, instead of trying to tease it out of others I should shift my focus on giving it to others in great abundance. That, and do my best to give it to myself.
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