Musicals and Epistemology

Hey secular, lazy world! How would you like your Christian religious education packaged? Maybe we can wrap it in some nice melodies and sticky-in-your-heady lyrics for the sake of "relate-ability" so you can assuage any vestigial remnants of guilt you might have about not quite being able to find the time or effort to actually, you know, bother to crack the spine of the most influential book in the history of mankind. We've got you completely covered in the mainstream musicals of the English speaking world - sit back, relax, and leave your critical thinking skills behind!

Here's a non-conclusive list in order of least to most offensive (to me):

Vague Allusions to Mystical Events You Don't Need to Know About in Detail:

BISHOP
By the witness of the martyrs
By the Passion and the Blood
God has raised you out of darkness
I have bought your soul for God!

Vague Allusions to Stories, Characters, and Parables You Don't Need to Know About in Detail, Plus Some Mild Innuendo for Good Measure:

RENO
Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow
Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow
I've been a sinner, I've been a scamp
But now I'm willing to trim my lamp
So blow, Gabriel blow

And Now Let's Make Fun of Stereotypical Christian Attitudes Towards Sharing the Gospel: 

SAVE-A-SOUL GROUP
Follow the fold and stray no more
Stray no more, stray no more
Tear up your poker deck and play no more
Follow, follow the fold

Saying the Literal Exact Opposite of the Story. Because We Can:

PHARAOH
We were in a jam
would've baffled Abraham.
But now we're a partnership
it's just a piece of cake.

CHORUS GIRLS
Greatest man since No-ah,
only goes to show ya

JOSEPH
Anyone from anywhere
can make it if they get a lucky break!

Reduction of a Major Doctrinal Topic to a Glib and Profane Statement, for Sh***s and Giggles!:

JESUS
I'm here to get washed up!

Mormons! A Perennially Hilarious Topic:

The entire Book of Mormon Musical falls into this category. There is literally no other purpose to this musical than to make fun of latter-day saints. The only good thing about this musical is the advertisement that the church continues to take out in the playbill:

The God of the Universe - but Rebranded! 

Jesus Christ: Superstar - I can hardly even bear to write those words out. They are so utterly distasteful. Who cares that the makers of the show were devout Christians with pure intentions.

They failed!

In a massive way.

The moral of the story: there's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing Gentile.

If Broadway is the main source of your religious education, I can't help but question your personal epistemology.

I mean, would you judge all of American food by a single lousy experience in a McDonald's in Europe? Would you claim to know the purpose and function of Kubernetes because you read a comment about it on a Stack Exchange thread once? Would you claim to speak German because you memorized one or two 101 level sentences?

Why should it be any different with religion?

Duh. It shouldn't.

You live in the West? You should read the Bible.
You live in the East? You should still read the Bible.
You live on Mars? Are you a human? Doesn't actually matter - you should still read the Bible. Send our planet your own religious texts.

I personally can't wait for other ancient religious texts to be discovered, uncovered, revealed, translated, shared, and to further shed light on God's plan for his children. You slackers over there who keep saying, "A Bible? A Bible? We already have a Bible. We don't need ANOTHER Bible!" - who don't even bother to give it a passing glance, preferring to take your religious education passively, served to you in a baby bottle, totally diluted from any real, powerful, meaningful doctrine, you guys keep messing it up for the rest of us. Why should God bother to give us further instructions when we don't even generally value and treasure the words we already have?!

I value it.

It is immeasurably frustrating to me when others, especially those who should, don't.

There was a preview for a MOOC about philosophy of religion that I saw. It reminds me of that:

"Is there a God?"
Danny and me: "Yes."

"Do you know there is a God?"
Danny and me: "Yes."

"Do you believe there is a God?"
Danny and me: "Yes!"

"Can you convince a reasonable person that there is a God?"
Danny and me, almost shouting: "NO!"