Why is it always so much more difficult to work on the things I "should" be doing than it is to figure out something even more interesting that I "shouldn't" be doing, and start that instead?
WHY?
Like, even with projects that are fun! I have a to-do list right now that is full of sit-on-my-butt-at-a-computer tasks, which I normally typically classify as "fun."
But, well, this morning I got a little bit sidetracked with the 1869 Census for Frenštát... I went through half of it (409 pages) and... well... attached as many of the images to FamilySearch Family Tree as possible.
I mean, the census itself lists, "do Ameriky v roce 1872" with the passport application number. Plus, there are many, many dozens of my own family members. Doing this was extremely satisfying as well as extremely... not related to anything else on my to-do list, except only a bit vaguely.
Like, one search strategy to getting a bit closer to solving the Henry Heine case is to try to find Anna Svoboda/Macha in Trojanovice or Frenštát in the 1869 census. So... while I'm looking there... might as well...
... and now I want to compile a list somewhere of all the emigrants to Texas from these towns, with SOURCE CITATIONS to back it all up.
So now I'm done complaining, and I'm going to get back to what I was doing.
Oh yeah. State of Kate:
I'm doing extremely well. I feel happy, motivated (well - as you can see from the above rant - I'm still human), and in control. Life is good.
I mean, well, life is pretty objectively awful with the current events and the state of the world. But the internal state of Kate? I haven't felt this great in years. I'm on the right dose of the right medication, which is obviously not the *utmost* ideal scenario (which would be to not need it at all), but it is definitely the right choice now. After struggling through some slightly annoying GI side effects, my gut has decided not to rebel, that this medicine is worth it. I think my body may have fully adjusted to this; I feel only slight side effects. The benefits far outweigh the cons.
This summer is going to be a real challenge here at home with 5 kids, but I think things will actually turn out okay.
I hung out with the missionaries in the Family History Center today. I really, really love them, both the sisters and the elders. Actually, I have gotten to know like 15 different people, since there are like 5 sets of 3 missionaries that go to the Ashworth building. My stake technology specialist is the only one who has the authority to add a device to the wifi - so he came over to set up the chromecast. Finally. After I had nagged him all week. I'm not sure if he was able to do it or not in the end - I had to leave beforehand. I've loved working with the missionaries. I love teaching them how to use FamilySearch. I love their enthusiasm and kindness.
I would not have been able to serve a mission, even if I had wanted to go. I would either have been sent out and then sent home early for mental health problems (severe anxiety), or maybe, if I had been lucky, they wouldn't have ever called me in the first place. I realize now that it's not an experience I would have missed out on - I wouldn't have had it at all. I would have been a really, really bad missionary, too. Like... it would have been so hard if I had been with an obnoxious companion. I would have really struggled, especially at age 19, with living with certain kinds of personalities, following arbitrary rules, and dealing with strange cultural weirdness from my church. I am probably an exception to the norm; one of the things that had built my testimony and faith in the restored gospel the most, that the church is what it says it is, that the prophets and pioneers were who they said they were, is researching their flaws. In detail. In historical records. Sugarcoating nothing. Deep diving into the weird world of polygamy, which is often really messy. I know for myself that these people, these experiences, these events, are true. I know that the Book of Mormon really is a translation of a real ancient record of a people that lived in the Americas. It is a solid companion witness to Jesus Christ's godhood. My own faith has grown because of my fascination, obsession, and tangential explorations into church history - and my own history.
Maybe I would never have been a missionary at the age of 19-21, but I am confident that I am "good enough" as whatever kind of missionary I am today, just by being my own genuine self. I've told Danny that this medicine helps me to feel like I'm in a protective bubble, that I'm not completely surrounded by danger at all times anymore. Danny says it seems like it's more like I'm not constantly in chains anymore. Like... I'm free. I can understand what he means. It's kind of strange to introspect on this fact, but I remember recently talking about and thinking about how worried I was to share any feelings of faith - no matter how remote - because I didn't want to be misunderstood or worse, rejected. I don't really... feel that now. At all. I just feel... fine. Not worried about it. I obviously would prefer to not be misunderstood or rejected, but it's not really an influencer in how I choose to be, or even what I choose to say. Like, it would not prevent me from sharing the thoughts and feelings in my heart if I felt they were right to share. It really is like my anxiety was a ball and chain, keeping me in this very narrow radius of action at all times. Interesting.
One final note: I have noticed that I am slightly less creative on these meds. Like, I could sometimes get into a huuuuuge fury/rage and just - attack my keyboard tap tap tap tap tap tap tap and write scathing lines. Like, I could channel all kinds of energy into writing. There's MANY scathing lines possible to be written about Dune, but I don't really even look forward to writing a mild review, which is a bit odd. Anxious Kate is all about that, and without my anxiety I am just... a lot less vicious. A LOT less angry. So that tradeoff means I'm also a lot less creative in some ways. On the other hand, since I have more energy and I'm more excited about life, that also means I'm more creative in someways. Like, even though I've been procrastinating doing so this whole time, I really do feel an itch to finish some of those other projects on my list.
Here's a curated version of said list:
- Write Dune review
- Fix signup.com reminders for FHC
- email Claudia
- buy that ghost book for Jane
- pick out a couch for the TV room and buy it
- email Rob
- email or text Andrea
- Figure out if we have a spot in daycare for August
- buy a 23&me test (yeah. I decided I really want to know my health horoscope. haha)
- set up ChalTec for next week
- mail back library books
- Write Dune review <--- haha, this literally is on there twice...
Time to get to that review.
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