Thoughts about Jesus Christ

If you are reading this post and are in a snarky mood, I invite you to go stop and take a walk in the woods or some calm, quiet place first before continuing on. The words I want to write are earnest, sincere and serious. How can you hope to understand the tender feelings of my heart if your head is full of cynicism and sarcastic GIFs and memes?

No, I mean it.

I'll wait.

This isn't going anywhere.

It'll be here when you're actually ready to read it someday.

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.......dum de dum dee dooo....

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No, seriously, if you're grouchy or tired or not in the mood for whatever reason, just come back some other time.

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Okay, so I hope that gave you some time to quiet your mind and yourself, and hopefully now you are ready to hear my words.

I want to write about this theme: "I'm not stupid or crazy AND I *love* to talk about Jesus Christ, can't I please tell you why?"  My husband, who never comments or posts on anything online, actually answered this loaded question on Quora: How can intelligent and logical people believe so heavily in the Mormon church? "Because even though it's nastily worded it's actually a very good question from an external perspective and I think it has a good answer." 

Like my beloved husband, I am also a highly educated person. I have had many opportunities to travel throughout the world and the United States, meeting new and interesting people, being exposed to a wide range of physical and intellectual viewpoints. I speak three languages proficiently, and four if you count Czech, which I speak poorly. I am definitely not a stupid person.

I am going to explore this idea about how smart, non-crazy, non-fanatical people like myself can have faith in Jesus Christ, albeit from a completely different perspective that is not about following a logical test, the way my husband explained it.

I sometimes feel as though I have a stamp with the word "Unsatisfactory" in my hand. I find myself constantly metaphorically stamping many things in my life with it. Generally what gets stamped is not so much other people or even necessarily myself, but rather these things that could be loosely called "conditions of mortality." Limitations of my physical body: UNSATISFACTORY. Inability to communicate what I'm really feeling: UNSATISFACTORY. Trying my best to do what I believe is right, but still failing: UNSATISFACTORY. I don't hate myself per se, I am just well aware that UNSATISFACTORY touches every piece of my existence.

The idea that I am not just a random bunch of cells and electrical impulses but that my existence is eternal and has meaning is intuitive to me; it is not something I think I could convince anyone else to believe, even if I tried to throw as many words as possible at them. It is the prerequisite to all my beliefs and values. Rather than clumsily try to explain how I know that I am known and loved by God as his child (especially since becoming a parent myself), I will trust that you have the ability to temporarily suspend your disbelief in this idea so that you can understand the other things I want to share.

I believe that before I came to this earth, I lived as a spirit somewhere else. I was a daughter of God then the way I am now. I could not progress and really become like God until I had gone through specific experiences only possible outside of his watchful parental care. For some reason, a physical body was a really important part of this plan. I suspect that leaving God's presence was a painful decision for me. I decided to come to earth to experience many things essential to my eternal progression (probably the most important being to choose to marry in the temple) and to prove whether I would choose good instead of evil.

I strongly dislike the feeling of separation from God. It basically sucks. It is miserable. Apart from a few very special, sacred moments, is more or less the constant state of my mortal existence. I would describe the feeling of separation as a kind of void - like I know that I am not whole yet. That there's something incomplete and missing, just beyond my grasp. I would also paint this idea as much more of a spectrum or range than black/white or on/off. It's as though there are times in my life when I feel closer to God than others, but have I ever literally been in his presence while on earth? No. Unfortunately not.

No matter how hard I try, and how often I repent, I'm constantly plagued by conditions of mortality: a weak mind which can never perfectly remember what it ought to, clumsy management of this physical communication interface (saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person in a very dorky way), a tendency to become angry and rebellious and proud, etc. A kind of blindness when it comes to other peoples' needs and feelings, try as I may to always be aware and caring.

Basically, tldr: I'm pretty #@*& imperfect. 

God is perfect. He perfectly knows and loves me. I am well aware that there would be no way to return to my heavenly parents on my own. I am so imperfect, and imperfect, unclean things cannot be in God's presence. 

Therefore: my loving Heavenly Father who wants me to return to him also provided me with the way to return. 

That way is Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ has a lot of names. When you call him (by the way, I sometimes get sick of capitalizing the "H" - it is jarring both to read and write and I've noticed recently that they don't always do this in the scriptures, so I'm taking that as permission to also not have to do that) by this name, Jesus Christ, you can sometimes be painted as a fool or a fanatic by those around you. They might see you as a haughty evangelist or a deluded sentimental fool or worst of all (in my opinion, because I probably overvalue intelligence) somebody who is incapable of logical thinking or reason. This is why I often prefer to use words like "my Savior" or "the Redeemer" or "the Lord." They seem less mock-able. But I want there to be no ambiguity here, so I will use his name. 

Jesus Christ is my older brother. Before this earth was created, he volunteered to take upon himself the sins and pains of the world. He chose to be a sacrifice so that the laws of justice could be met. He came to this earth, lived a life completely devoid of sin, and in him the law of Moses was fulfilled. He was and continues to be despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. 

He is acquainted with my grief, my very lonely, very personal grief that quite often comes from these "conditions of mortality." I have a stamp across my forehead that reads UNSATISFACTORY. He takes a damp cloth and washes that ink away when I repent. I don't know all the details about why it had to be him, or how it is possible for a male person to experience all the female-specific pains that exist. But who am I to tell God why it should or shouldn't be this way? If I really believe in an all-knowing, all-loving, all-just, all-merciful, almighty Father in Heaven, surely I can be obedient and put my faith in Jesus Christ, the vehicle by which the plan works, even if I don't fully understand why or how it could work.

By the way, I have lots of theories about it, many of which come from a lively imagination and a love of Fantasy/Science Fiction. Like maybe Jesus Christ used a time bubble in the garden of Gethsemane (the exact location of which remains unknown, but I have visited several of the posited locations). I guess if that mattered, we would know about it. Maybe we will know about it someday.

The consistent message I have received through a lifelong reading of the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price and the words of the living prophet on the earth today is that Jesus Christ is the most important part of the plan of salvation. Jesus Christ's sacrifice for me is the reason why I can hope to someday truly become whole. Jesus Christ was perfectly obedient to Heavenly Father, even going so far as to be baptized even though he did not need a remission of his sins. Jesus Christ knows my name, and literally all my imperfections. He wants me to repent and believe his words, which are repeated on nearly every page of all the scriptures, something I had not previously noticed before starting to study them with a greater degree of focus. 

Jesus Christ is not some scary statue in a musty and dimly lit Cathedral, or a mossy effigy on a stone cross. He is not a hateful, snide meme or a political jibe. He is a perfect friend who knows me, and loves me. He is my example. He's also perfect, so he knows all languages - including the language of my heart. He is also a perfect computer programmer - really, he is the Creator, so of course creating a measly program would be within his grasp. He's a perfectly patient and kind listener, and he fully gets me. I feel better about myself the more I read about him and come to know him. I really love him. I would give away all of my sins to know him. How great would it be if I could convince all the people around me that this is true?

It is quite painful to live in a world surrounded by people who do not feel the same way, who esteem something I treasure so highly as something trifling, or irrelevant to modern life, or worst of all, a silly deception from the past designed to oppress mankind. I strongly dislike conflict, so living in a world like this with friends like these is painful for me. I think I would have made a terrible full time missionary. I think my heart would have been repeatedly broken to pieces. I am glad that it was not required of me to serve that way.

What I do feel required to do is actually a huge joy, though! I was recently urged by the living prophet of God on the earth today to pray to understand, cultivate, use, and expand my spiritual gifts with a promise that as I do so, I will change the world. 

Even though I often feel self-loathing for being this way, I can recognize that I'm a pretty verbose writer. I really like to write my deep thoughts, and these are the deepest ones I have. I scratch my head a little bit in consternation about the impression I had to share these thoughts, but that is what I feel is the right thing to do. I hope that I have been able to express to you what I really mean in a way that you can really understand. I hope that I can inspire whoever chooses to read these words to discover your own individual worth and value before God, and that this implicit seed of faith will lead you to become curious and want to know more about how our lives have meaning and purpose, and that there is a way by which we can be saved and eventually perfected. That way is Jesus Christ.