Why is it always so much more difficult to work on the things I "should" be doing than it is to figure out something even more interesting that I "shouldn't" be doing, and start that instead?
WHY?
Like, even with projects that are fun! I have a to-do list right now that is full of sit-on-my-butt-at-a-computer tasks, which I normally typically classify as "fun."
But, well, this morning I got a little bit sidetracked with the 1869 Census for Frenštát... I went through half of it (409 pages) and... well... attached as many of the images to FamilySearch Family Tree as possible.
I mean, the census itself lists, "do Ameriky v roce 1872" with the passport application number. Plus, there are many, many dozens of my own family members. Doing this was extremely satisfying as well as extremely... not related to anything else on my to-do list, except only a bit vaguely.
Like, one search strategy to getting a bit closer to solving the Henry Heine case is to try to find Anna Svoboda/Macha in Trojanovice or Frenštát in the 1869 census. So... while I'm looking there... might as well...
... and now I want to compile a list somewhere of all the emigrants to Texas from these towns, with SOURCE CITATIONS to back it all up.
So now I'm done complaining, and I'm going to get back to what I was doing.
Oh yeah. State of Kate:
I'm doing extremely well. I feel happy, motivated (well - as you can see from the above rant - I'm still human), and in control. Life is good.
I mean, well, life is pretty objectively awful with the current events and the state of the world. But the internal state of Kate? I haven't felt this great in years. I'm on the right dose of the right medication, which is obviously not the *utmost* ideal scenario (which would be to not need it at all), but it is definitely the right choice now. After struggling through some slightly annoying GI side effects, my gut has decided not to rebel, that this medicine is worth it. I think my body may have fully adjusted to this; I feel only slight side effects. The benefits far outweigh the cons.
This summer is going to be a real challenge here at home with 5 kids, but I think things will actually turn out okay.
I hung out with the missionaries in the Family History Center today. I really, really love them, both the sisters and the elders. Actually, I have gotten to know like 15 different people, since there are like 5 sets of 3 missionaries that go to the Ashworth building. My stake technology specialist is the only one who has the authority to add a device to the wifi - so he came over to set up the chromecast. Finally. After I had nagged him all week. I'm not sure if he was able to do it or not in the end - I had to leave beforehand. I've loved working with the missionaries. I love teaching them how to use FamilySearch. I love their enthusiasm and kindness.
I would not have been able to serve a mission, even if I had wanted to go. I would either have been sent out and then sent home early for mental health problems (severe anxiety), or maybe, if I had been lucky, they wouldn't have ever called me in the first place. I realize now that it's not an experience I would have missed out on - I wouldn't have had it at all. I would have been a really, really bad missionary, too. Like... it would have been so hard if I had been with an obnoxious companion. I would have really struggled, especially at age 19, with living with certain kinds of personalities, following arbitrary rules, and dealing with strange cultural weirdness from my church. I am probably an exception to the norm; one of the things that had built my testimony and faith in the restored gospel the most, that the church is what it says it is, that the prophets and pioneers were who they said they were, is researching their flaws. In detail. In historical records. Sugarcoating nothing. Deep diving into the weird world of polygamy, which is often really messy. I know for myself that these people, these experiences, these events, are true. I know that the Book of Mormon really is a translation of a real ancient record of a people that lived in the Americas. It is a solid companion witness to Jesus Christ's godhood. My own faith has grown because of my fascination, obsession, and tangential explorations into church history - and my own history.
Maybe I would never have been a missionary at the age of 19-21, but I am confident that I am "good enough" as whatever kind of missionary I am today, just by being my own genuine self. I've told Danny that this medicine helps me to feel like I'm in a protective bubble, that I'm not completely surrounded by danger at all times anymore. Danny says it seems like it's more like I'm not constantly in chains anymore. Like... I'm free. I can understand what he means. It's kind of strange to introspect on this fact, but I remember recently talking about and thinking about how worried I was to share any feelings of faith - no matter how remote - because I didn't want to be misunderstood or worse, rejected. I don't really... feel that now. At all. I just feel... fine. Not worried about it. I obviously would prefer to not be misunderstood or rejected, but it's not really an influencer in how I choose to be, or even what I choose to say. Like, it would not prevent me from sharing the thoughts and feelings in my heart if I felt they were right to share. It really is like my anxiety was a ball and chain, keeping me in this very narrow radius of action at all times. Interesting.
One final note: I have noticed that I am slightly less creative on these meds. Like, I could sometimes get into a huuuuuge fury/rage and just - attack my keyboard tap tap tap tap tap tap tap and write scathing lines. Like, I could channel all kinds of energy into writing. There's MANY scathing lines possible to be written about Dune, but I don't really even look forward to writing a mild review, which is a bit odd. Anxious Kate is all about that, and without my anxiety I am just... a lot less vicious. A LOT less angry. So that tradeoff means I'm also a lot less creative in some ways. On the other hand, since I have more energy and I'm more excited about life, that also means I'm more creative in someways. Like, even though I've been procrastinating doing so this whole time, I really do feel an itch to finish some of those other projects on my list.
Here's a curated version of said list:
- Write Dune review
- Fix signup.com reminders for FHC
- email Claudia
- buy that ghost book for Jane
- pick out a couch for the TV room and buy it
- email Rob
- email or text Andrea
- Figure out if we have a spot in daycare for August
- buy a 23&me test (yeah. I decided I really want to know my health horoscope. haha)
- set up ChalTec for next week
- mail back library books
- Write Dune review <--- haha, this literally is on there twice...
Time to get to that review.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Why does God keep his mysteries? Alma 40:3
Why does God keep his mysteries? Alma 40:3
Hahaha, this question is such a tautology.
Why was "Gazelem" necessary? Alma 37:23
Why was "Gazelem" necessary? Alma 37:23
I think that Heavenly Father sometimes gives prophets and seers "crutches" because it helps us to overcome certain physical limitations of mortality, including the ability to suspend disbelief. As our faith grows, the prophets and seers become less reliant on these kinds of physical crutches. Joseph Smith didn't need to use his seer stone after a while, for example.
I think that Heavenly Father sometimes gives prophets and seers "crutches" because it helps us to overcome certain physical limitations of mortality, including the ability to suspend disbelief. As our faith grows, the prophets and seers become less reliant on these kinds of physical crutches. Joseph Smith didn't need to use his seer stone after a while, for example.
How well did the Nephites know the geography of Egypt? Alma 36:28
How well did the Nephites know the geography of Egypt? Alma 36:28
My best guess? Really not that well.
I bet there were maps kept in the brass plates, and I bet that Nephi did teach some basic geography to his children, but I seriously doubt it's anything close to the kind of map access we have today.
My best guess? Really not that well.
I bet there were maps kept in the brass plates, and I bet that Nephi did teach some basic geography to his children, but I seriously doubt it's anything close to the kind of map access we have today.
I still remember the moment when I realized that I likely know more about and have read more in the scriptures than many, perhaps even most, of my ancestors. That I, with my modern day access to knowledge and information, am totally privileged in a way almost unthinkable by my ancestors. That they were basically clinging to crumbs of truth repeated orally throughout generations, and without access to the scriptures in their mother tongue, the bible itself was further removed from their grasp. It is strange to think about.
Why is it sometimes called Melchizedek Priesthood, others "Order of God"? Alma 13:10, 17-18 - see Alma 13:19
Why is it sometimes called the Melchizedek Priesthood, and elsewhere the "Order of God"? Alma 13:10, 17-18 - see Alma 13:19
See this post and this post.
Whether the Order of the Son of God, the Order of God, or the Melchizedek Priesthood (which is totally not a weird "Mormonism" thing; this concept is totally in the Old Testament!) - the message from the name is clear: this is power from God given to humans. There was this one guy in the past who was really righteous and who also had a really strange name, and was from this order. Using his name makes it easier to not repeat Jesus Christ's name too much and cause it to be said in vain. It's not the "man" priesthood. It's an order, kind of like a fraternal organization, with certain rights and privileges available to members at various levels.
And women are admitted to it. We have full access to the priesthood power.
Whether the Order of the Son of God, the Order of God, or the Melchizedek Priesthood (which is totally not a weird "Mormonism" thing; this concept is totally in the Old Testament!) - the message from the name is clear: this is power from God given to humans. There was this one guy in the past who was really righteous and who also had a really strange name, and was from this order. Using his name makes it easier to not repeat Jesus Christ's name too much and cause it to be said in vain. It's not the "man" priesthood. It's an order, kind of like a fraternal organization, with certain rights and privileges available to members at various levels.
And women are admitted to it. We have full access to the priesthood power.
Friday, May 29, 2020
I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. How? Alma 26:15
I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. How? Alma 26:15
My favorite missionary in the scriptures is Ammon. He goes to teach the Lamanites and has enormous success. He talks about the work like this (paraphrased):
I think that as I've gotten older, I tend to grow in my dislike towards assuming that I know what God wants. The world is weird and so many things are "messed up." The only way for me to make sense of it is to quit thinking that I know what God wants. I don't.
He's given commandments - which are general, and callings - which are personal. Some of my callings are from my church leaders, others are... a lot more difficult to pinpoint. I feel really drawn towards my Czech ancestors, as if it were a calling. I am confident that it is good for me to spend my time and effort in studying all things related to my Czech ancestors. Nobody specifically pulled me aside and told me that was my calling, but it doesn't really matter; I feel called.
I feel like as long as we are working towards keeping the commandments - both the broad ones and the more personal ones, like our personal and church callings - that is the best way to be an instrument in his hands. I think that if you try to be an instrument in his hands, you're actually more likely to fail. It's like putting your eye on the wrong mark. Instead of focusing on the things that God has already given you, you're focusing on what you think of and how you interpret God's plan. There's too much variability in that.
But there isn't variability in striving to keep the commandments. It's like... focusing on the commandments allows for some degree of flexibility. The commandments can change as our situations change. Some very basic human commandments (don't steal! don't lie! don't commit adultery!) aren't likely to change. But my identity, my role, my piece in God's plan, well, it has flexibility because I am a changing, evolving, growing human being.
In order to be an instrument in God's hands, I need to try my best to keep the commandments. That means following my church leaders, trying to fulfill my callings, and continually seeking inspiration and direction from God about what my callings even are.
My favorite missionary in the scriptures is Ammon. He goes to teach the Lamanites and has enormous success. He talks about the work like this (paraphrased):
My brothers and sisters were suffering, but the Lord has brought them his everlasting light. They are circled by his unending, matchless love - a love that is generous and perfect. And we, the missionaries, have been instruments in the hands of the Lord to make this thing happen.Of course, the next question is, "How can I be an instrument in the hands of the Lord?" It's a good question, but very personal.
I think that as I've gotten older, I tend to grow in my dislike towards assuming that I know what God wants. The world is weird and so many things are "messed up." The only way for me to make sense of it is to quit thinking that I know what God wants. I don't.
He's given commandments - which are general, and callings - which are personal. Some of my callings are from my church leaders, others are... a lot more difficult to pinpoint. I feel really drawn towards my Czech ancestors, as if it were a calling. I am confident that it is good for me to spend my time and effort in studying all things related to my Czech ancestors. Nobody specifically pulled me aside and told me that was my calling, but it doesn't really matter; I feel called.
I feel like as long as we are working towards keeping the commandments - both the broad ones and the more personal ones, like our personal and church callings - that is the best way to be an instrument in his hands. I think that if you try to be an instrument in his hands, you're actually more likely to fail. It's like putting your eye on the wrong mark. Instead of focusing on the things that God has already given you, you're focusing on what you think of and how you interpret God's plan. There's too much variability in that.
But there isn't variability in striving to keep the commandments. It's like... focusing on the commandments allows for some degree of flexibility. The commandments can change as our situations change. Some very basic human commandments (don't steal! don't lie! don't commit adultery!) aren't likely to change. But my identity, my role, my piece in God's plan, well, it has flexibility because I am a changing, evolving, growing human being.
In order to be an instrument in God's hands, I need to try my best to keep the commandments. That means following my church leaders, trying to fulfill my callings, and continually seeking inspiration and direction from God about what my callings even are.
Monday, May 25, 2020
Grouchy about sexism
Sexism.
A perineally interesting topic.
Deeply personal.
Utterly and exasperatingly unresolvable.
Someday when the heavens open and we can see truth as it really is, we will have a very different view of the world, the actions that mattered and the measure of true influence. Because it's not even enough to try to measure "a woman's lot" in her ability to raise the subsequent generation of world leaders. Isn't that still saying only those flashy, splashy people who made headlines are the ultimate measure of "mattering"?
We can try to measure influence in these modern times with likes, views, and comments, but it boils down to the same inherent conflict I've written about before: art vs. advertising.
It just sucks that I am on the end of lesser privilege in this particular battle. It frustrates me to not be acknowledged for the very real differences in my soul. It is really dehumanizing to feel surrounded by a male perspective, a traditional male point of view of "self", masculine values, and no real consideration of my own internal reality. Whether through the eyes of classic literature or a modern video game, it boils down to the same thing: this doesn't represent me. I am not validated.
I believe I'm worth validating because I am human.
I'm not a man-hater. In fact, I find men much more comfortable to be around. They make more sense. They are interesting. They are much easier for me to read.
Women are confusing, frustrating, and often far more boring (to me). I struggle with female relationships. But I guess I just struggle with *all* relationships.
This is not even worth the time to straighten out. The ideas are impossible for me to resolve. I think the best I can do is just hope that God will resolve them someday.
A perineally interesting topic.
Deeply personal.
Utterly and exasperatingly unresolvable.
Someday when the heavens open and we can see truth as it really is, we will have a very different view of the world, the actions that mattered and the measure of true influence. Because it's not even enough to try to measure "a woman's lot" in her ability to raise the subsequent generation of world leaders. Isn't that still saying only those flashy, splashy people who made headlines are the ultimate measure of "mattering"?
We can try to measure influence in these modern times with likes, views, and comments, but it boils down to the same inherent conflict I've written about before: art vs. advertising.
It just sucks that I am on the end of lesser privilege in this particular battle. It frustrates me to not be acknowledged for the very real differences in my soul. It is really dehumanizing to feel surrounded by a male perspective, a traditional male point of view of "self", masculine values, and no real consideration of my own internal reality. Whether through the eyes of classic literature or a modern video game, it boils down to the same thing: this doesn't represent me. I am not validated.
I believe I'm worth validating because I am human.
I'm not a man-hater. In fact, I find men much more comfortable to be around. They make more sense. They are interesting. They are much easier for me to read.
Women are confusing, frustrating, and often far more boring (to me). I struggle with female relationships. But I guess I just struggle with *all* relationships.
This is not even worth the time to straighten out. The ideas are impossible for me to resolve. I think the best I can do is just hope that God will resolve them someday.
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