It's been a really long time since I wrote something here.
I've had the name of this post in mind for about five months. I'm not sure exactly what I want to write.
I've always been a lonely person. There's always a void longing to be filled by another person. No matter how much I try to fill it, it remains. I've come to the conclusion that it's basically a condition of mortality for me to feel this way, and that someday when I can be reunited with my heavenly parents, it will be filled.
But God didn't send us to this earth alone. There's this third really weird member of the godhead called the Holy Ghost. We have been promised he can be with us at all times if we covenant to take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ through baptism.
If this is true, what a gift.
I think about feedback all the time: for my part time job teaching English, for what I wish could be my full time job learning Czech, and especially how easy it is to text with people I love. They are right there, at the tips of my fingers. I can open Facebook and peer into a soul. It's supposed to make me feel less lonely. I think for a very brief second, it does. It's like sugar: the instant you stop consuming, you crave more. It's like an addiction.
If the Holy Ghost were accessible via instant messenger, and I could get instant feedback on my life, would I like that? Would it make this test of earth life too easy? Would I listen to it?
Some really specific council I've received in my life is that my close and lasting friends should be honest and have high moral standards. I really crave close friendships with people who care about the same nerdy things that I do. For the first time in my life I've found multiple friends like this, but they are in a seven hour difference time zone. We mostly communicate through video chatting and instant messenger.
It's really enjoyable to video chat with my in-laws. The dedicated time and focus and the slight lag all combine to create this personal space where we all feel heard. Perhaps even better than in real life, where physical things get in the way of our communication. Dinner. Diaper blowouts. Awkwardness that is normally hidden slightly by the camera. I'm a professional at this one.
Would I enjoy this kind of relationship with the Holy Ghost?
No. I want something even more personal.
Sometimes I catch myself mentally writing a Facebook update or a post in Czech about some mundane thing. It's really nice to have someone on the other side read it and actually care about me and my raw thoughts, someone who isn't in my physical world.
I couldn't write even a millionth part of my thoughts. There isn't a human soul alive who could satisfy my desire for meaningful connection, not even my dear husband who has a really uniquely intimate stewardship over my mind.
But God can do anything! And he knows me perfectly. I don't always hear him, or see him, or notice him, but I trust he's there and that he cares about me. I hope that someday I'll get a massive backload of life feedback, where the communication is crystal clear, where there's no doubt as to his role or presence in my life, where billions of those tiny personal spaces (like instant messenger boxes, video chat window, comments in a Google doc, etc.) flood over me enough to fill the void. I guess that is what heaven would be like for me.
