I finished President Nelson's Book of Mormon Challenge today

Today I finished reading the Book of Mormon. It was a challenge given by the prophet to all the women of the restored church of Christ to finish reading this book before the end of the year. By the way, I am also on schedule to finish reading it (aloud) in Czech by the end of the year.

We were specifically asked to mark each verse that speaks of or refers to the Savior.

This turned out to be somewhat problematic. Sometimes the scriptures are clearly referring to Jesus Christ. Sometimes, well...they aren't.

There are two very important things that I remember from when I did early morning seminary (which basically meant I woke up at 5:15 every morning through High School and studied the scriptures with my siblings and a really nice seminary teacher, except for the year when I was in France and we did a "home study" program where we met once/week at the church. Two of the other three years seminary was in my house and my mom was the teacher. My last year of seminary the bishop's wife (who was Japanese) a few miles away from us was the teacher and I drove there every morning with my little sister.):

1. A major theme of the Old Testament is being able to turn even some of the most awful situations into something good.
2. Jehovah, the God of the Old Testament, is Jesus Christ.

The name of the God of Israel is יְהֹוָה/yhwh. It means "He is/He causes to be." This occurs over 6,800 times in the Hebrew Bible. It's called the tetragrammaton, and the TLDR version is that this word got warped into Jehovah in English as a combination of the word yhwh and the vowels in the word addonay (which can refer to lord as in, like, the lord of a manor, the ruler of something). And the King James translators basically always translates this word to "Lord" (only 7 times out of 6,800 does the word "Jehovah" appear in the KJV).

Apparently most scholars think these things:
1. the Israelite's ancestors (like in the book of Genesis), the Canaanites, and other Western Semites worshiped the god "El"
2. the Israelites later began to worship yhwh/Jehovah
3. ...except when they didn't; some Israelites worshipped yhwh/Jehovah from early on
4. much later, yhwh/Jehovah was seen to be the same being as El

So, back to my read-through of the Book of Mormon. I decided early on that I was going to try my best to only highlight passages that unambiguously had something to do with Jesus Christ.

A concise(ish) latter-day saint understanding of the identity of God is like this:

• There is an all-powerful supreme being called God. His name is Heavenly Father. In the latter-days, we call him Elohim. I haven't studied this word in as much depth as I need to. But I do know that it's both a plural noun (!) and it takes a singular verb (?). Weird.
• Heavenly Father is a member of an organization called the godhead.
• It is made of three separate, distinct, unique people: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. They are not the same being.
• But all of them have the same, totally united ultimate purpose: bring about the immortality and eternal life of mankind.
• The Holy Ghost is a person of spirit. He does not have a body. Which is weird. But this allows him to fulfill his own specific mission.
• God the Father is the father of our spirits (and as such, there must also be a God the Mother, but we don't know very much about her, which is frustrating to me).
• We lived with God the Father before we were born as his spirit children. We are all spiritual siblings.
• God the Father's firstborn, only-begotten son (the only mortal child he has) was Jesus Christ.
• Jesus Christ was foreordained to be the Savior of the world.
• Jesus Christ was perfect and sinless.
• Jesus Christ was born into a human(ish - I mean, a human would never be able to suffer for the pain/sin of the world and life to tell about it) body as the literal physical son of Mary. (Remember how above I mentioned that we are all the spiritual children of heavenly parents? Well, we are the physical children of mortal parents, who are actually our spiritual siblings. So is Jesus Christ - except he's also the literal son of God the father.)
• Jesus Christ suffered for all of the pain and sin of the world. This is called the atonement. It was basically almost all accomplished during his great intercessory prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, but he also sealed this act by his death upon the cross.
• Jesus Christ was resurrected into a perfect (i.e. not mortal) body.  
• If we want to be forgiven of our sins, we will do these things:
• have faith that Jesus Christ's atonement is real
• repent 
• take upon ourselves the name of Christ and prove it by being baptized
• receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (remember the third member of the godhead previously mentioned? This is basically a promise that if you strive to keep the commandments, you can literally always have a member of the godhead with you, helping you)
• endure to the end: basically, rinse and repeat this cycle. We don't get baptized again, but we take the sacrament in church as a symbol of our renewed vow to keep our baptismal covenant (this is why it a. does not bother me that non-believers do not take the sacrament and b. not only that - it sort of does bother me for non-believers to take the sacrament! They aren't supposed to.)
• When we pray, we pray to God the Father in the name of Jesus Christ. 
• When we pray, we can sometimes talk about how great Jesus Christ is, and thank Heavenly Father for sending him. This is done all throughout the New Testament.
• There is a rare case when it's appropriate to pray to Jesus Christ directly, and that is when he is literally with you. He has a body. If he literally stood next to you in his mortal body or his resurrected body, it would be appropriate to worship him. 

So yeah. Back to my recent reading.

I had a really difficult time highlighting places that were definitely, unambiguously about Jesus Christ sometimes. Whenever the Book of Mormon referred to "the Lord", I highlighted it. When it was just "God" and it was not really obvious that it was Jesus Christ from the context (like, if it says, "God descends to redeem his people, it seems obvious it's about Jesus Christ. But it's not obvious in like, vocative cases. O God! Is that O God Jesus? Or O God the Father?)

I want to read the entire standard works and highlight it this way:

References to Jesus Christ: pink <-- because it stands out the most

References to Heavenly Father: yellow <-- because it seemed appropriate and is a common highlighter color

References to the Holy Ghost: green <-- because green is the color of life, this world, this earth

References to God that are ambiguous: blue <-- because blue rhymes with who

So what I am doing now is going back through all the pink sections that I highlighted (by the way, I went through seven highlighters) and underlining in a metallic gel pen these references:

Within the references to Jesus Christ I found that there are many cases that actually include:

- references to God the Father 

- references to the Holy Ghost

- references that are ambiguous about whether or not they are only referring to Jesus Christ

Some common ambiguous examples are: 

"the spirit of the Lord" - if Jesus Christ is "the Lord", then why is the Holy Ghost called "his" spirit? Is it the Holy Ghost? I am not sure.

"the Lord God" - is this God the Father or Jesus Christ?

I don't see how the scholars' understanding of the Israelite worship of Jehovah contradicts with the idea that Jesus Christ is the God of the Old Testament, though footnote nine of this article seems to indicate that? I personally don't have a problem with considering the Israelites were a bit misguided in their concept of God, even if they were the "chosen people." 

Actually, I rather think that there is evidence in the Book of Mormon that perhaps the ancient Jews did worship Jehovah. Here is why I think that:

Nephi was a Jew. He was born in Jerusalem to Jewish parents about 100 years after Isaiah, the great Jewish prophet, lived and preached. I really like Isaiah, by the way, even through the weird language of the KJV. I think I will like it more reading it in Czech, though. But that is just a hypothesis as yet.

On the first page of the Book of Mormon, Nephi describes how his father prayed "unto the Lord." (1 Nephi 1:5). Was Lehi praying to Jehovah (i.e. Jesus Christ)? I think he was. 

And I think it's evidence of his Israelite traditions that somewhat blurred the line between Jehovah and God the Father - or made them be the same thing, or perhaps before Christ's first coming - his mortal ministry - maybe people were supposed to pray directly to him (I think this is wrong, but I don't have evidence for why yet)?

Then on the next page, Lehi says, "O Lord God Almighty" which probably is that term "shaddai" which occurs 48 times in the Old Testament both in conjunction with the word El and yhwh. I think this word is specifically chosen to evoke the idea of power, supremacy, might, the ability to deliver and sustain etc. Does this refer to Jesus Christ or God the Father - and more importantly, did Lehi himself know who he was addressing? And beyond that, does it matter? If both Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are totally united in purpose, aren't they both "almighty"? 

So yeah, I observed that there were numerous examples of Nephi and his family praying "unto the Lord" throughout 1 Nephi: 

All of these refer to people praying to the Lord:

1 Nephi 2:7

1 Nephi 2:12

1 Nephi 5:9

1 Nephi 7:17

1 Nephi 7:21

1 Nephi 7:22

1 Nephi 8:8

1 Nephi 8:9

Then between these chapters, Nephi sees the vision of the Tree of Life in which he is shown Jesus Christ. I think it's safe to say he learns something about the nature of God. 

Examples that follow include other people praying to the Lord (not Nephi):

1 Nephi 15:8 <-- "have ye inquired of the Lord?"

1 Nephi 16:24 <-- he did inquire of the Lord

1 Nephi 16:32 <-- they did give thanks unto him

1 Nephi 17:8 <-- Nephi was literally talking with the Lord in this case

1 Nephi 18:3 <-- here ambiguous about whether or not he was literally talking with the Lord

1 Nephi 18:21 still praying to the Lord <-- the only example after his vision where he is praying "to the Lord"

1 Nephi 21:22 <-- reference to "the Lord God"

1 Nephi 22:7 <--- another reference to "the Lord God"

I have not gone through 2 Nephi yet to check for other ambiguities in Nephi's references to God. I do know that it isn't until 2 Nephi 10 that Nephi's little brother says Christ's name is Christ. After that, the references to Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon are significantly less ambiguous, which makes some sense; the Nephites had the plates of Nephi with his writing. They would have studied it. 

* * * 

I find it really interesting to study the scriptures in this kind of detail. It is deeply fulfilling to me. I don't expect everybody to "get" this, or to need to study the scriptures like this in order to have a good experience, but I really feel like clapping my hands for joy because there's a place for me and my weirdness in the world of gospel scholarship. 

I wish there were a "quad" corpus so that I could use other corpus analyzing tools to try to search the scriptures, for example there's this really fun "word mapper" tool that's pat of Lancsbox. But this wordcruncher tool is a pretty interesting tool that I've started to play around with a bit. I know that manually reading through the scriptures and highlighting the sections for Jesus Christ is valuable in its own way, but computers could do the job in a much more thorough, analytical, objective way that might be able to show us surprising things. Anyway, the constant invocation from the prophets is to "search the scriptures" - not merely to "read" them. 

There's this other really cool tool called the LDS Scripture Citation Index. It shows all the scripture citations from extant general conference talks from 1830-present (with a few breaks). From this tool, I learned that the most frequently (by a LOT) quoted chapter of scripture for latter-day saints is definitely the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter 5. That makes sense, and I find it really interesting. 

Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our faith. He is the God of the Old Testament. In the temple, we learn that Jesus Christ is completely obedient to Heavenly Father in every single minuscule detail. The way to eternal life and salvation is to accept his atonement, be baptized, and continue to walk down the covenant path. I have a testimony that Heavenly Father knows and loves us, that I have access to him through prayers in Jesus Christ's name. I know that Heavenly Father is the director of the plan of salvation. I know that Jesus Christ is also God and that his atonement is real, and that I can draw upon its healing and cleansing power when I sin by sincerely repenting. The scriptures repeat over and over that every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is the Christ. When I sometimes feel like that seems impossible, I can read these words and receive renewed testimony in God's strength and power. One of the sweetest messages of the Book of Mormon is that God is capable of accomplishing his work. What a hopeful, positive message. I believe it.

Thoughts about Jesus Christ

If you are reading this post and are in a snarky mood, I invite you to go stop and take a walk in the woods or some calm, quiet place first before continuing on. The words I want to write are earnest, sincere and serious. How can you hope to understand the tender feelings of my heart if your head is full of cynicism and sarcastic GIFs and memes?

No, I mean it.

I'll wait.

This isn't going anywhere.

It'll be here when you're actually ready to read it someday.

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.......dum de dum dee dooo....

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No, seriously, if you're grouchy or tired or not in the mood for whatever reason, just come back some other time.

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Okay, so I hope that gave you some time to quiet your mind and yourself, and hopefully now you are ready to hear my words.

I want to write about this theme: "I'm not stupid or crazy AND I *love* to talk about Jesus Christ, can't I please tell you why?"  My husband, who never comments or posts on anything online, actually answered this loaded question on Quora: How can intelligent and logical people believe so heavily in the Mormon church? "Because even though it's nastily worded it's actually a very good question from an external perspective and I think it has a good answer." 

Like my beloved husband, I am also a highly educated person. I have had many opportunities to travel throughout the world and the United States, meeting new and interesting people, being exposed to a wide range of physical and intellectual viewpoints. I speak three languages proficiently, and four if you count Czech, which I speak poorly. I am definitely not a stupid person.

I am going to explore this idea about how smart, non-crazy, non-fanatical people like myself can have faith in Jesus Christ, albeit from a completely different perspective that is not about following a logical test, the way my husband explained it.

I sometimes feel as though I have a stamp with the word "Unsatisfactory" in my hand. I find myself constantly metaphorically stamping many things in my life with it. Generally what gets stamped is not so much other people or even necessarily myself, but rather these things that could be loosely called "conditions of mortality." Limitations of my physical body: UNSATISFACTORY. Inability to communicate what I'm really feeling: UNSATISFACTORY. Trying my best to do what I believe is right, but still failing: UNSATISFACTORY. I don't hate myself per se, I am just well aware that UNSATISFACTORY touches every piece of my existence.

The idea that I am not just a random bunch of cells and electrical impulses but that my existence is eternal and has meaning is intuitive to me; it is not something I think I could convince anyone else to believe, even if I tried to throw as many words as possible at them. It is the prerequisite to all my beliefs and values. Rather than clumsily try to explain how I know that I am known and loved by God as his child (especially since becoming a parent myself), I will trust that you have the ability to temporarily suspend your disbelief in this idea so that you can understand the other things I want to share.

I believe that before I came to this earth, I lived as a spirit somewhere else. I was a daughter of God then the way I am now. I could not progress and really become like God until I had gone through specific experiences only possible outside of his watchful parental care. For some reason, a physical body was a really important part of this plan. I suspect that leaving God's presence was a painful decision for me. I decided to come to earth to experience many things essential to my eternal progression (probably the most important being to choose to marry in the temple) and to prove whether I would choose good instead of evil.

I strongly dislike the feeling of separation from God. It basically sucks. It is miserable. Apart from a few very special, sacred moments, is more or less the constant state of my mortal existence. I would describe the feeling of separation as a kind of void - like I know that I am not whole yet. That there's something incomplete and missing, just beyond my grasp. I would also paint this idea as much more of a spectrum or range than black/white or on/off. It's as though there are times in my life when I feel closer to God than others, but have I ever literally been in his presence while on earth? No. Unfortunately not.

No matter how hard I try, and how often I repent, I'm constantly plagued by conditions of mortality: a weak mind which can never perfectly remember what it ought to, clumsy management of this physical communication interface (saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person in a very dorky way), a tendency to become angry and rebellious and proud, etc. A kind of blindness when it comes to other peoples' needs and feelings, try as I may to always be aware and caring.

Basically, tldr: I'm pretty #@*& imperfect. 

God is perfect. He perfectly knows and loves me. I am well aware that there would be no way to return to my heavenly parents on my own. I am so imperfect, and imperfect, unclean things cannot be in God's presence. 

Therefore: my loving Heavenly Father who wants me to return to him also provided me with the way to return. 

That way is Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ has a lot of names. When you call him (by the way, I sometimes get sick of capitalizing the "H" - it is jarring both to read and write and I've noticed recently that they don't always do this in the scriptures, so I'm taking that as permission to also not have to do that) by this name, Jesus Christ, you can sometimes be painted as a fool or a fanatic by those around you. They might see you as a haughty evangelist or a deluded sentimental fool or worst of all (in my opinion, because I probably overvalue intelligence) somebody who is incapable of logical thinking or reason. This is why I often prefer to use words like "my Savior" or "the Redeemer" or "the Lord." They seem less mock-able. But I want there to be no ambiguity here, so I will use his name. 

Jesus Christ is my older brother. Before this earth was created, he volunteered to take upon himself the sins and pains of the world. He chose to be a sacrifice so that the laws of justice could be met. He came to this earth, lived a life completely devoid of sin, and in him the law of Moses was fulfilled. He was and continues to be despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. 

He is acquainted with my grief, my very lonely, very personal grief that quite often comes from these "conditions of mortality." I have a stamp across my forehead that reads UNSATISFACTORY. He takes a damp cloth and washes that ink away when I repent. I don't know all the details about why it had to be him, or how it is possible for a male person to experience all the female-specific pains that exist. But who am I to tell God why it should or shouldn't be this way? If I really believe in an all-knowing, all-loving, all-just, all-merciful, almighty Father in Heaven, surely I can be obedient and put my faith in Jesus Christ, the vehicle by which the plan works, even if I don't fully understand why or how it could work.

By the way, I have lots of theories about it, many of which come from a lively imagination and a love of Fantasy/Science Fiction. Like maybe Jesus Christ used a time bubble in the garden of Gethsemane (the exact location of which remains unknown, but I have visited several of the posited locations). I guess if that mattered, we would know about it. Maybe we will know about it someday.

The consistent message I have received through a lifelong reading of the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price and the words of the living prophet on the earth today is that Jesus Christ is the most important part of the plan of salvation. Jesus Christ's sacrifice for me is the reason why I can hope to someday truly become whole. Jesus Christ was perfectly obedient to Heavenly Father, even going so far as to be baptized even though he did not need a remission of his sins. Jesus Christ knows my name, and literally all my imperfections. He wants me to repent and believe his words, which are repeated on nearly every page of all the scriptures, something I had not previously noticed before starting to study them with a greater degree of focus. 

Jesus Christ is not some scary statue in a musty and dimly lit Cathedral, or a mossy effigy on a stone cross. He is not a hateful, snide meme or a political jibe. He is a perfect friend who knows me, and loves me. He is my example. He's also perfect, so he knows all languages - including the language of my heart. He is also a perfect computer programmer - really, he is the Creator, so of course creating a measly program would be within his grasp. He's a perfectly patient and kind listener, and he fully gets me. I feel better about myself the more I read about him and come to know him. I really love him. I would give away all of my sins to know him. How great would it be if I could convince all the people around me that this is true?

It is quite painful to live in a world surrounded by people who do not feel the same way, who esteem something I treasure so highly as something trifling, or irrelevant to modern life, or worst of all, a silly deception from the past designed to oppress mankind. I strongly dislike conflict, so living in a world like this with friends like these is painful for me. I think I would have made a terrible full time missionary. I think my heart would have been repeatedly broken to pieces. I am glad that it was not required of me to serve that way.

What I do feel required to do is actually a huge joy, though! I was recently urged by the living prophet of God on the earth today to pray to understand, cultivate, use, and expand my spiritual gifts with a promise that as I do so, I will change the world. 

Even though I often feel self-loathing for being this way, I can recognize that I'm a pretty verbose writer. I really like to write my deep thoughts, and these are the deepest ones I have. I scratch my head a little bit in consternation about the impression I had to share these thoughts, but that is what I feel is the right thing to do. I hope that I have been able to express to you what I really mean in a way that you can really understand. I hope that I can inspire whoever chooses to read these words to discover your own individual worth and value before God, and that this implicit seed of faith will lead you to become curious and want to know more about how our lives have meaning and purpose, and that there is a way by which we can be saved and eventually perfected. That way is Jesus Christ.