Why I believe

My sister called me a skeptic.

My first reaction was to try to define what "skeptic" means - it's one of those seemingly innumerable groups of Greek men sitting around in togas philosophizing all day. There's hypocrites, hedonists, sophists, gnostics (?) - and a whole host of other ists and ics. I obviously know what "skeptical" means in the vernacular, but I am pretty sure there's a nuance to its etymology that I forgot somewhere along the line between eighth grade history class and bearing my fifth child last year.

Who are we kidding. I'm a woman so I wouldn't belong to any of those ists and ics. I'd be an oppressed, childbearing, food-cooking, floor-scrubbing, brainless object of sexual desire, at least according to some sources.

"I don't think I'm a skeptic!" [hahahahaha]

"You're a skeptic except when it comes to things that have to do with the church. Then you just accept what they say."

"Huh?"

Mmmkay. Sounds like you're saying I'm an oppressed, childbearing, food-cooking, floor-scrubbing, brainless object of sexual desire who is also a lemming.

"If you want to know about what I believe, I write about it all the time on my blog, you know."

"I don't read blogs."

"Well...too bad, then."

"I guess...I guess you've always been a little bit more interested in scientific, rational explanations for things."

The conversation shifted and suddenly we were talking about other things.

It is true that I really like to analyze things - or rather, more precisely, I have to analyze them. There's not really an alternative way for me to be. If I am awake, I'm thinking. If I'm actively thinking, I'm analyzing.

Maybe I should just listen to music all the time to give my brain a break from thinking?

Deep down inside, my most core value is knowledge. I really want to know everything that is both knowable and worth knowing. My reserves of curiosity run deep, and basically extend to every single piece of my brain and body. It's important that what I spend time and energy learning is worth knowing, though. It is important to me that the knowledge I seek is not a waste of my time. I want to be a good person. I want to do good things. I want to know everything knowable that could be used to both become and do better. In my opinion, there's so much good in the world that I need to discover and learn, it doesn't even make a tiny bit of sense for me to spend a second on discovering and learning evil.

I think that it's likely that most "good" things in the world that are knowable are not (at least on a superficial level - though definitely not on a deeper level) spiritual in nature. It seems like there are a lot more books out there in the libraries of the world that are just longing to be read that are not explicitly about religion, is what I am saying. Actually, I think that it would be decidedly bad for me to spend all my discretionary time immersed in just one single category of learning. "The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as busy as kings," to misquote Robert Louis Stevenson. Also, I somewhat ascribe to the philosophy of, "all extremes are bad - except this one." This means that I see the world as a massive, expansive Sahara-desert sandbox that's all for me to just play in! I love it!

Maybe on some level I am actually more of a hedonist than a skeptic. I really love having fun. It's just that to me, there's nothing more fun than learning about the world and the people in it. I guess it's lucky (or providential?) that my definition of fun is intrinsically linked to such a good, virtuous activity, otherwise I'd probably not be as happy. I just don't think the well-trodden roads in Funville lead anywhere, or at least anywhere worth going. I haven't spent a lot of time trying out typical Funville activities like sleeping around, drinking, doing drugs, etc. so I guess my personal epistemology necessarily includes a deep, implicit trust in words and ideas of other people who have already warned me against such acts. Those "fun" things are dead end roads, and acknowledged as such in plentiful trustworthy sources both religious and secular. It's a total waste of my time to even try to see if I'm the exception that makes the rule. I value my time.

When, not if, my church leaders tell me something that doesn't immediately feel right to me my first reaction is to question it. My second reaction is to question my questions. "What do I really want?" "Why do I feel this way?" "What are reasons why x might be this way?" "Why is it important to me to know x?" "What if I don't get an answer? What then?" "Why do I think x means y?" "Is it possible that I am wrong?" "Is my problem with x or is it with how we are talking about x?" "If people make mistakes, how should I react?" "How am I supposed to deal with x?"

I strongly believe that I should doubt my doubts before I doubt my faith. I also feel like I am in a constant state of doubt. Having faith does not at all mean that I have all (or even most) answers, it just means that I believe I have the best answers available to me now.

Religious belief is like any other opinion in that, by definition, you believe it to be true. I think it is very human to want others to try to believe similarly to you because it is a way of affirming that you are right. Everybody wants to be right. It feels good!

Am I loved for who I am or for who I can become? I have a deep desire to become a good person, with become being a key word. I know from experience that I am in a constant state of change. I am never fixed in one place on some fictional "goodness" scale. If I do nothing, I immediately plummet into laziness and hedonism, which I think is bad. If I work with all my might to always try to be better, I can attain a kind of state where I am almost, but never quite, satisfied with who I am. I can still see so many of my flaws, even if you can't (though you probably can, and you may even see ones I don't).

One of my most deeply held core beliefs is that redemption is real. I don't know exactly where this belief comes from. It was certainly taught to me as a young person at church, but I think it might also just be something inherent about myself that I can trust that redemption exists. Redemption means healing of the soul.

Here is a story from the Book of Mormon that seems relevant here. (See Alma 15).

5 And it came to pass that they went immediately, obeying the message which he had sent unto them; and they went in unto the house unto Zeezrom; and they found him upon his bed, sick, being very low with a burning fever; and his mind also was exceedingly sore because of his iniquities; and when he saw them he stretched forth his hand, and besought them that they would heal him.

6 And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?

7 And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught.

8 And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed.

9 And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words.

10 And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ.

If I were Zeezrom, would I be a skeptic in this situation? Would I doubt my ability to have enough faith to be healed?

I don't know.

Would I trust that Jesus, who I'd never seen with my own eyes, is real?

Yes.

I really don't know exactly where my faith in Jesus Christ comes from. I simply trust that he is real because it feels right and it makes sense to me that humankind would need a means by which redemption would be possible. Anything other than the sacrifice of an all-knowing, all-powerful God would not be good enough. I am not good enough, but I am worth saving. This feels right and it makes sense. What would be the point of any of this otherwise?

I guess what I'm trying to say to my sister is that I am a person who really longs for true answers to my questions, so in that way I could be a skeptic. I try to seek answers in a huge range of quality secular and spiritual sources, and I almost never feel satisfied that I have a perfect understanding, so in that way I am also like a skeptic. It's a long, protracted struggle, this journey of trying to decide which questions to ask, where to seek truth, and what to do with it when I find it.

Walking by faith is not the act of seeking and finding answers, though. That's just the nature of humanity in general - everybody in this human experience is struggling to make sense of it in the way they best know how. Walking by faith is the act of moving forward in action in spite of doubts. It means putting aside the restless craving for answers and instead turning outward to try to be a positive influence on the world. It means paying attention to deep personal feelings that you previously had in your most sincere moments of spiritual searching, and holding on to them even when they are distant. You walk by faith when you keep your covenants, when you are honest with yourself, when you choose the right even when you don't know why. You walk by faith by believing and trusting that redemption is real.

Both my doubts and my faith in redemption come from my humanity, as does my potential and desire to become better. Walk with me on this road! I would love that.