You know, I think it's always been about the knowledge for me.
It's a totally false dichotomy that doesn't really exist. But if I had to choose between close relationships and gaining expertise and knowledge, I really would pick the latter. Every time. As a girl. As an adult.
Maybe only just barely.
* * *
In a recent dark moment of weakness:
"I hate everything about living in this stupid physical world. Why can't the world just be only thoughts and ideas. Why do we have to deal with physical pain. And drudgery. And bodies that don't obey. I hate it."
"So why do you think you chose to come anyway?"
"Because I'm not stupid."
I really believe that is the reason. I think if I'm moaning about it now, how much more did I moan about it before I was born, in a world that only consisted of thoughts and ideas and spirits. Things I enjoy, things working on a computer or a phone imitate. The state of being of my mind when writing, or even more deliciously, conversing freely. That's really what it is. Freedom.
But though it would probably kill me, even if the choice were between expression and knowing, I'd still pick knowing.
It really is that important to me.
* * *
In my personal gospel reading, I read this quote this week: "Learning by faith requires spiritual, mental, and physical exertion and not just passive reception."
That's why I came. I had to do this thing. It was the only way.
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